Wyndsong’s Sacred Place

This is a touchy subject for me, so I don’t know if comments will be on or off while I”m writing this.  I may turn them off just so I don’t hear anyone’s negative comments, however, I may keep them on so that I can get some encouragement or support.  Either way, my comments are moderated, so negative ones could be deleted.  LOL!  The power of the blog is mine! mwahahaha

 

So about 8 years ago I got pregnant, but because of circumstances (i.e. boyfriend and I not in stable relationship, I was still on welfare and living with my mother), I decided not to keep the baby.  My sons were only 4 and 6 at the time, and it was a very difficult decision to make, even though I felt then, and I still feel it was the right decision.  The father of that baby and I broke up, and a year and a half later he and I got back togther (and we’ve been together ever since, and are now living together).  The abortion was extremely difficult on my psyche.  I went into a deep depression, and went on medication for it, which I am still on. 

For the first few years after it, I couldn’t even look at a baby.  The anniversaries of the abortion, when I found out I was pregnant (which was mother’s day, btw) and the due date were extremely difficult on me.  I would go into my bedroom and cry almost the entire day.  I had to prepare myself for the days before they came up.  I also had a hard time with Samhain, which is the pagan day to honor those who have crossed over.

For the last couple of years, I hardly know when those days have come and gone.  I still have a hard time being around babies, but last year, when my neice had her little girl, I was even able to hold her.  That I wasn’t sure I would be able to do, cuz I couldnt even hold the baby boys until recently, and baby girls were impossible (I know in my heart my baby was a girl).  I know, that I’m mostly over the whole ordeal.  I want to be over it, I want to move on with my life.  Eventually, I want to have my baby with ST (my boyfriend, and the father of that baby).  But still, something is holding me back.

I know that my weight gain is from holding onto the grief, the guilt, and the presence of my baby.  I know this, and I’ve tried to let go….. and yet, I still haven’t completely let go.  I’ve been so afraid to completely let go of her, because I’ve been afraid that if I do, then she won’t come back to me when I do finally get pregnant again.  Now, after starting my prosperity class, and reading through the book “The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity” By Catherine Ponder, I wonder if maybe that little bit of a connection that i’m holding onto so tightly, is what’s keeping me from prosperity.  Maybe it’s not only keeping me fat, in pain, and sad, maybe it’s also keeping me from reaching my prosperous goals as well. 

It says to let go of the old, let go of the things that are holding onto your spirit.  Well this is definately holding onto my spirit.  I just don’t know if I can let go completely…. or more to the point, maybe I don’t WANT to let go completely.  I think I”m afraid that if I let go completely, I”ll never get her back.  But if I don’t let her go, she never be ABLE to come back to me.  And really, if she’s meant to be my baby, then she will come back…. and if she’s not, holding onto her spiritually will never bring her to me, it will just keep her and I both in this limbo of pain and guilt. 

So, ok… I do know that I have to let go completely.  Spiritually let her go.  How do I do that now?  I think a ritual is in order.  I”m going to have to think about this for a while.

 

Affirmation:

I fully and freely release you.  I completely let you go.  So far as I am concerned you have served your prpose in my life and I no longer need you.  You are now in your perfect place.

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